29,000 days

An average human life is about 80 years, or some 29,000 days. When we were young we never though so much of it. We knew our time on this planet was limited, but we were more interested in finding our place in the world.

Do you recall thinking about getting old in your teenage conversations? No. We were more focused on the starry sky above us, thinking where it may lead, where it came from. Or maybe how to be closer to a friend we really liked. Or maybe having some romantic fantasy of something we knew so little about.

And there are not so many Hollywood movies about aging, not that we wanted to see them anyway at that age. I remember my mom crying on so many “boring” movies about life. Sometimes I had a glimpse that it may be because they were narrating on the screen the succession of identical days she was living, but it was just a faint connection, maybe a hint of what was going to come, nothing more.

Who decided that our life was going to be a succession of goals: school, jobs, marriage, kids, more jobs? Why this path? And after that?

Who knew?

We joined this rat race the moment we were born, it was imposed on us by the evolution of society, if you want to call it that. We never thought too much of it because everyone else was on it. So rarely we stopped and spent the time thinking why we have to run.

Sometimes we would

All of a sudden the thought that our parents would one day leave us alone in this world. A tear would fall. Memories would flow like a tsunami. We imagined visiting a cemetery, maybe crying in an empty house. Sometimes we would talk to friends about this. “Oh well that is life”. Some friends already experienced many of these losses, yet we never bothered to find out how they really felt and what it means in their experience. After all… life goes on, the race must continue…

Then you marry and have kids of your own. Why have kids? Some people seem pretty happy without. Some tell you it is the best part of their lives. Who knows? You see childless couples, and think about some of the boredom that sets in weekends at home. Maybe you decide to listen to the previous generation and try this “best thing in life”. Or maybe you realize that life, after all, has no meaning by it self, that we were designed by evolution to just continue our species. Who knows why?

When your kids are young you suddenly realize that indeed what people said is true: “there are only two kinds of people in the world: those with kids and those without”. Actually yes! We are programmed to love them and to do all we can for their success. Life is not our own anymore, we have a husband / wife and kids now, we cannot just do what we want. And we soon find out:

kids are not easy

not in today’s society, where families are geographically separated and jobs are demanding. You demand what?

You put them to bed every night, read stories to them, prepare their food, their bags, play games you really did not want to play. Very early on you realize someone must have done all that for you also. Did your parents give you so many kisses? Did they miss you at work? Did they sleep with you when you were sick? Did they wake up at 6 am to prepare your lunch? It must have been some 10,000 days ago… who knows? Some memories stay, some leave like the leaves swept by a strong Autumn wind. Your dad waking up with you every morning and making you breakfast. Seeing you off to school. Did she ask me every day what I learned at school? I for sure remember they asked me every day what I ate for lunch AND dinner! Sometimes it was almost irritating? Why do they want to know?

Before, I thought I would only want to live to be 10,000 days old. I told my parents. I remember telling them that 30 years old is basically ancient. Dinosaur. No point in going on. They were maybe 45–50 years old, 16,000 days old, and they would look at you and ask: “you think I am too old?”. “Uhm, no actually” and somehow 45 seemed so old, yet maybe not so. Maybe I can reconsider and live a few more years. “I still feel young” they kept telling me, but they did not look like in the pictures when I was a baby, and definitely much different from before having kids. Time passed. Now I know it was not just time, but most importantly my brother and I came around, kids come around. That is it!

Then when you are about 16,000 days old

It dawns on you. People do not treat you as when you were younger. Your best years: what are those? Maybe we feel some pain here and there, maybe some gray hair. I must be getting old. You call your parents and you tell them how you feel. They laugh. It reminds you when you used to say you only wanted to live to 10,000 days. What happened to that? Going out with a bang?! At that age, you realize you did your schooling, you have your job, you married and even have offsprings. And you have lots of experience and wisdom, but it is never enough.

Life is tougher that ever

Your job is not exactly what you wanted it to be, your husband wants to live in another city, or maybe gets depressed because of their job, your kids constantly want you around, they interrupt every thought, every activity. There is no time to talk to your spouse. You sadly find that you live in that meme: “married communication is yelling from across the house”. Oh no! What have I become? I had dreams and hopes and now all is left is responsibilities, and I am not even that good at it! But the race goes on, and all other racers went through with it, why not you?

And parents age

Some are luckier than others, but to complicate your life further you live away from them. One family here, one over there… actually two families over there! You spouse mom gets sick, they leave for a month. They call you every night crying, talking about daily visits to the hospital. The doctor does not have good news. And they miss their daughter and son. Can they please talk to them a little? Yes I need to find them, they went to some friend to play video-games, obviously unaware of the family drama. Why would they know? They are less that 3,000 days old!

What will you do when you parents age? What can you really do? Life is what it is. We are on it but we did not get to vote on it.

Evolution never asked your opinion

One night you tell your spouse you like to talk to your old friends so much more now. Talking to them became so much more interesting. You realize it is because they are all living the most dramatic times of their lives. Of your life. Suddenly they talk more about themselves, of their lives, they seek advice: spouse, kids, jobs. “Nothing is right!”. Nothing is what we wanted it to be. But they all say it in a matter-of-fact tone, they are not really looking for a solution, they just want to know they are not alone.

And they are not alone

What about all those people that says their lives are so great? Are they lying? Covering up? Or are they the blessed ones that can enjoy every moment, savor every conversation, enjoy every game with their kids? Or are they just ultra-violet in the positivity spectrum?

Then you realize we only live 29,000 days

When the family settled down at night, or early morning, and you finally have time to think: how can I make this day special? How can I leave my mark? Should I seek fame and fortune? Should I play with my kids? Should I talk to my spouse? Should we take more trips together. Or should we visit more the old folks? Should I go out with colleagues for dinner or should I prepare dinner? How come I do not have many friends anymore? How come all my peers do not have so many friends? Should we organize a dinner party? Why! They never invite us!!!? Maybe I should do all these things, and live a “balanced” life.

And a dynamic balance it is

And now you social life revolves around kids. Yes you met tons of new people, most of them really cool. It is not like when we were 5,000 days old. We realize all people have a story, something to contribute, a perspective. And listening to them makes you think and see life from a different perspective.

But there is never enough time! Job! Spouse! Kids! Soccer games! Minecraft! A friend in need! The car broke down! Darn~!

You realize you had so much time when you were 3,000 to 5,000 days old. I wish I could take it all back, with the knowledge I have now. I could be so much more focused. Learn so much more. I should have taken that class! I should have learned to play piano. Why did I spend so much time hanging out with friends often late at night?

Why was learning the social skills so onerous?

And look at me now. At 16,000 days old, maybe we do not care so much what other people think. We realize nobody is perfect. Most importantly,

There are no adults. Everyone is a kid!

When I was 5,000 days old I thought adults are so composed. They looked like a computer program, flawlessly executing with the same precision and results each time. How wrong I was! Kids even win the presidency these days…

So it is ok if we go out with a wrinkly shirt. It is ok that our house lawn is not like in the magazine covers. It is ok to tell your friend you really do not like that movie and do not want to go. It is ok to stay home alone once in a while, away from them all, from it all. If only you could get the whole house to yourself, just 4 hours — please!

At 16,000 days, when I look at the mirror I see an old boy. Maybe you see an old girl. If I was a salesman I realized I lost one of the most important selling weapon: youth. Or maybe not, as I have tons of experience?

The glass can always be half full or half empty.

At 16,000 days, I prefer to see it half-full

I know very well that if I did not, I would not end up in a great place. I remember that lady in my youth that I really liked. She had it all, was so beautiful, and all the boys lined up for her. She was top of the class and from a good family. But she was always looking so sad. Later I found out she could never hold a relationship, she married twice and had a postpartum depression like no other. Yeah, the glass must be half-full all the time, even when it is almost out.

Intelligent creatures need to be genetically positively biased, or the species would end!

Now we are at 16,000 days. We still have some 10,000 and more to go. But you see: they are less than the ones we already spent.

If you spend 1 hour you can count them all!

We ought to make the best of each one. We could be blessed, or they could be less. Will I see my son go to college? And will my life matter after that? My spouse cried so much when Andy left for college in Toy Story 3. She imagined what it will be, after the person you cared for 6,500 days leaves the house and tries to find a meaning of his/her own. We often joke with our spouse: who of us two will be the first one to leave?

There is no silver lining

You have to enjoy the glass getting empty. It is never what you want it to be. You can spend all your life at work, but you will miss another life at home. You can travel all over the world, but never find the place for you. Or you can stay home all your life, wondering what the world is like. And it is just like your world, no better or worse.

It is all in your mind

You can decide to enjoy that moment, or let it pass unappreciated. This is what the melancholic mind will tell you. Technically, it is not really up to you, your genetics and your environment have much to say on that! And you can try to break free, but the flavor of that soup you ate every morning before day 5,000 will stay with you forever. And when you smell it, it will always bring you back to a time when you had people care for you above themselves, and never wished to let you go.

Now I know what the real difference between adults and kids is: adults know their time is counted, and some do not want to see it wasted. That is why they often tell younger people: study, learn, get a good job, do not waste time, get up early… and so on. They wish they had done more of that themselves. There is a focus that comes when you know you have to make the best of the time that was given to you.

There is nothing of the sort in Taylor Swift lyrics, and trust me, I have gone through them all. And why would there be? She is yet to find out. There are many phases in life, transitioning like the shades on a canvas.

So what will you do with your last days? Maybe you want to become the person you were meant to be, like Aragorn? Or just want to care for the people you always wanted to care for? Or want to learn a new skill, one you put on hold for so many years? Or just want to walk in the park and enjoy the sunset?

Your move…

This post was inspired by this other post and all those thoughts I never bothered to write down before, and that will be forgotten in a sea of feelings and a flurry of time.